Rick and I were talking and he said something that has absolutely never occurred to me. See, you must understand that my childhood was...bazaar to say the least. And I was telling him that I don't understand how Mom took it. And that I don't think it is fair to her. But, had she found her "prince" and married him, there would be no me. Then he said that I grew up to marry a man just like my father in many ways. But I said, no, Mike wasn't like that at first. It wasn't 'till he left me and came back that he was like that. And that is where the conversation turned.
I told him that that was why I got really mad at God, when Mike left me the first time. Because God knew. He knew the whole time and didn't protect me. He knew that I loved Mike with my whole heart, because He knows the intent. He knew that I loved him with genuine, pure, unselfish love. And He could see that I would end up broken. There were times that he would stand up in church and thank God for me, when he had spent the night before with her. The very night before! And God knew. There were times when he told me he was working, but spent the night with her. And on those nights, I was lying in my bed alone thanking God for him, praying for his safety, while he was in bed with her. And God knew. Here He is hearing my honest prayer, and knowing the whole time that he was somewhere else not caring a thing about God or me or anything but himself. How does God do that?
And Rick said he just saw something in his mind when I said that. He said he saw God hearing my prayer, and crying! Crying because He knew that my heart would break. I said I had never ever once pictured that. There are six billion people on earth at the moment, and that doesn't include all the ones between here and Adam. I am just one. I can't see Him crying over me. I just can't.
Now, I know that we are all special to God, which is what Rick said. And I know that everyone's relationship with their father will heavily affect the way they see God. And I am sure my vision of Him is definitely tainted because of that. But, even so, would God really cry over li'l ole me? I don't know how He works, or why He allows what He does, but crying over me is a bit much, don't ya think? I just can't see it.